New Year Resolution Rant

WARNING! RANT – I had to get this off my chest because I don’t want to go into the New Year with any anger. This rant came to me last night as I headed to the gym, hoping that no one would be using the treadmill that works the best. Usually, at this time of night, the gym is wide open. I can put the TV on whatever I want, run and immediately find a nice open space for some sit ups and push ups.

This rant is for all of the people who have told me that “starting next week, it is to the gym for me!” Please! spare those of us that actually workout the bottleneck of your two week effort. You know and I know that you are not going to make it. Save yourself the money for the gym membership you will never use and spend it on the pizzas that you will inevitably eat. Then, come to work and tell me you worked out. I will appreciate the lie that you worked out more than living with the two week lie you are telling yourself right now. Hell, if you do this, I will reciprocate and lie back to you and tell you that you look like you have lost some weight. Then, you can flex and check yourself out in the mirror. This is known as win-win.

Don’t get me wrong, there are two of you I know who will actually follow through, you know who you are, but the rest of you, PU-LEASE. Understand the gym is where I go to get away from you, where it is quiet and empty. It is the place that keeps me sane. I know how the Hawaiians feel, “Locals Only Bro.” You come to my place once a year for two weeks and jack everything up. Hitting on my fit women and breaking the good treadmill with your heavy feet. Hogging up the mat space between me and my hotties in my hot yoga class dripping your fat filled sweat smelling of the garlic you ate with your spaghetti at lunch. Damn you tourists!!

A little advice, quit eating so much. Here is a rule of thumb, if it tastes good, it will make you fat. Sometimes, even if it tastes bad, it will make you fat. Just don’t eat. Then, once you dropped a few pounds, you will be hungry, stressed and angry. This! Is when and why you head to the gym! … To lose the anger and stress that the hunger causes and to make yourself so tired so that you go straight to bed. Thus, avoiding late night tv and using a dustbuster to get the Cheese-its crumbs off of your big belly.

Ok, I am done. Happy New Year and I will see you at the gym next week.

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